55 Best Funny Valentine's Day Quotes for Him and Her

Miles Davis

"If you love them in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love them at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love."

Groucho Marx

“I was married by a judge. I should’ve asked for a jury.”

Roseanne Barr

"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps."

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Ralphie May

"As a man in a relationship, you have two choices: You can be right, or you can be happy."

Chris Rock

"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."

Socrates

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

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Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all."

Mike Primavera

"You are never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread."

Henny Youngman

"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it."

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Lily Tomlin

"If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?"

Paul Valery

"Love is being stupid together."

Richard Jeni

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."

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Lynda Barry

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke."

Lemony Snicket

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

Joan Crawford

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

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Jules Renard

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties."

Ambrose Bierce

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Mae West

"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier."

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Jean Illsley Clarke

"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?"

Bob Hope

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

Katie Bowlby is Digital Director at Country Living, where she covers gift guides, product reviews, crafts, and TV shows like Yellowstone. She’s currently stitching up a cross-stitch pattern for the magazine’s next issue 

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